A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. -Oscar Wilde

Sunday, April 18, 2010

no, you can't go back

Carnival makes me feel old now. I don't know where I'm going to be even two months from now, nor do I know the next time I'll be around for Carnival, so I thought I should go for a little bit even though I have the Master Essay of Damocles hanging over my head.

Despite officially severing all ties other than "alumna" not that long ago, so much has changed on campus that it was rather disorienting being back. For one thing, I didn't smell the weird smells that I came to associate with Mother Wean. I suppose that's from CS migrating to the Gates monstrosity. The asbestos and mercury mines known as the undergraduate chemistry labs have been replaced with sleek, modern counterparts while the originals have been completely converted to classroom and other spaces. There are huge windows in lecture halls where I learned calculus in almost complete darkness, and while I participated in my sorority transforming into another, the all new house is filled with all new sisters who have no concept whatsoever of who or what the chapter used to be. The few who straggled back clung to one another, familiar faces in a sea of strangers in a familiar place turned strange. Another group was the opposite. So many in virtual stasis, reluctant to truly change even as they age. I don't think that I'm aging that much myself just yet. Or am I? People had issues recognizing me, I think. Even people who are FB "friends". I look like crap at present, even worse than usual-- but despite the lines under my eyes and the noticeable effects of not having time to be as active as I'd like, I still have to show my license to prove that I'm thirty. I'm a more natural "redhead" growing my hair out, so there's that cue lost (whether I was known as a someone with long, blond hair or short, burgundy hair), but I'm still taller than at least 80% of the males on that campus. Being virtually invisible has its advantages at times. It's nice to quietly observe and selectively interact. I didn't stay long-- a trip around midway, token appearances, a few hellos and renewed acquaintances, then fading away.

Hm. Exhaustion and a nightcap make for one loquacious (though by no means eloquent) blogger. I think that means it's time for bed.

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